journal end of October 2024
You know those days when everything feels heavy and your mind is clouded with thoughts that perhaps shouldn’t matter as much as they do? That was exactly how my day started. But sometimes, the universe has its way of showing you exactly what you need to see, exactly when you need to see it.
While mindlessly scrolling through YouTube (yes, one of those scroll sessions we all know too well), I stumbled upon this video about a girl talking about what she liked about lotus flowers. At first, I almost scrolled past it, but something made me stop. And I’m so glad I did, because it ended up being exactly what I needed to hear today. The creator spoke about how the lotus flower is one of her favorites, not just for its beauty but for what it represents — the idea of “lotus in the mud.” It’s such a powerful metaphor when you think about it. Just like a lotus has to grow through murky waters to reach its full beauty, we too must cross through our own “mud” to bloom.
At first, it seemed simple enough. But as she kept speaking, I realized her words were pulling me out of my own head. She explained how the lotus grows out of mud, pushing through layers of murky water to reach the light. It’s beautiful, she said, not just for how it looks but for what it represents—how beauty can emerge even from the messiest, darkest places. That hit me. Lately, it feels like life has been this constant muddy slog. I’ve been trudging through stress, disappointment, and self-doubt. Maybe, like the lotus, there’s a reason for this mess. Perhaps we’re meant to push through the murk to find something better.
Then she shifted gears and started talking about the things she’d learned to let go of—beliefs that once seemed true but were really just holding her back. One of the first things she mentioned was the tendency to badmouth people from our past, especially those we once loved. I had to pause for a moment because that’s something I’ve definitely done. It’s so easy to frame them as the villain in our story, to blame them for the hurt we feel. But as she pointed out, there was a time when we saw them in a completely different light, a time when they brought us happiness. And if we didn’t feel comfortable saying those things to them back then, why keep replaying those harsh thoughts now?
I realized how true that was. Holding onto bitterness is like holding onto a hot coal—you're the one getting burned, not them. She spoke about forgiveness, not as a way to erase what happened but as a way to free ourselves from it. It’s about letting go of the power the past has over us. I thought about all the grudges I’ve held, all the times I’ve replayed arguments in my head, and how that’s done nothing but keep me trapped in those same painful moments. Maybe forgiveness is the key to moving forward, not for them but for me.
She went on to talk about something I’ve struggled with a lot: attachment. She said, “I no longer believe in attachment.” At first, it sounded strange to me. Aren’t we supposed to hold onto the things and people we love? But as she explained, I started to understand. Attachment, she said, often stems from fear — the fear of losing someone, the fear of change. It’s this need to control, to keep things exactly as they are, because we’re terrified of what will happen if they slip away.
That hit hard. I’ve spent so much time clinging to people and situations, desperate to keep things stable, even when it was clear they were changing. And what I realized is that the tighter I held on, the more anxious and unhappy I became. Life is in constant motion; nothing stays the same forever. People grow, circumstances evolve, and by holding on too tightly, we end up causing ourselves pain. It’s like grasping water in your hands — the harder you squeeze, the more it slips away. She helped me see that true peace doesn’t come from holding onto people or things; it comes from within, from knowing that we can be okay regardless of what changes around us.
Another point she made, which really shifted my perspective, was about the idea of the “right person, wrong time.” I used to believe in that wholeheartedly. It was my way of explaining away heartbreak and making sense of why something didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. But she challenged that belief, saying that if someone is really meant to be in your life, timing wouldn’t matter. Each person comes into our lives for a reason, even if it’s just to teach us something through the pain of their departure. Sometimes, it’s as simple as learning to move on and not return to the same patterns that hurt us.
That made me think about all the times I’ve held onto the hope that maybe, someday, things would magically work out with people from my past. But what if that hope is just an anchor keeping me from moving forward? Instead of waiting for the “right time,” maybe I should be learning from the experience, taking the lessons, and moving on. Life isn’t a rehearsal where we get to go back and change things; it’s always moving forward, whether we’re ready or not.
And then she brought up a concept that I think many of us fall into without realizing: looking for a “missing piece” in someone else. We think that finding the right person will make us whole and will fill the gaps we feel in ourselves. But she reminded me that this is just a setup for disappointment. Relying on someone else to complete us only leads to dependency, and dependency often leads to resentment. How can we expect someone else to fix parts of us that we aren’t willing to work on ourselves?
It’s easy to lean on someone else to feel complete, but that’s only ever temporary. If we’re not whole on our own, we’ll keep searching, keep needing, and keep clinging to things outside of ourselves. It’s like trying to fill a leaky bucket with water — it doesn’t matter how much you pour in; it will keep draining away. Learning to be whole on my own, to love myself without needing anyone else to validate that love, feels like an uphill battle, but it’s one I know I need to take on. Because when we’re whole on our own, we attract healthier connections. We’re not looking for someone to save us; we’re looking for someone to grow alongside us.
The last thing she said stuck with me long after the video ended. She said, “Remember, the only thing that doesn’t change is change itself.” It sounds simple, but there’s so much truth in it. We can spend our whole lives trying to hold onto things, trying to stop the clock, or keeping things exactly as they are. But life doesn’t work that way. Change is the only constant, the one thing we can rely on, no matter what. Even when we feel stuck, even on days like today where it feels like everything is at a standstill, the world is still turning, time is still moving, and things are still shifting.
In that moment, I realized that maybe I should let go of the things I’ve been gripping so tightly. Life keeps moving, and maybe it’s time for me to move with it. Growth isn’t about staying in one place, clutching onto the things we know; it’s about letting go, about allowing ourselves to evolve even if it means wading through the mud, just like the lotus.
